torsdag 21 februari 2008

What have i allowed in me, what have i allowed in me as my world as the world i live in?
When i am here with my breath, here with the body and my mind is here also and when i am here to see when i am here to see in me what i really have allowed - I feel sorrow in me, i feel sad, i want to cry but cant, i feel preassure in my throat section, i feel that my arms and legs want to blow of from inside i want to scream - I want to be in me, i am in me, and i will not allowe more shit taking place in me with me unaware of it, but i want to hide, i want to sleep, i want to not be with myself, i want to do everything possible to not be with me, feels like the hole world want to take a chance to make me just forget me and give up on me, I cant give up on me, i cant give up on me, that is impossible... I am here with my breath and feel tormented in my body and i know i dont feel anything what my body actually experience, and i know the preassur in my body is very very much now - But i have two options here - give up me and it will be even more shit feeling in my body or just breath standing up as me not judging me for all the thoughts mind/ego constantly throw at me - Mind goes in waves - calm down - STORM - calm down -STORM - for me i breath i am here - Mind/ego want to pull me in - to think about future outcomes of anything that seems valid and very very logical - Mind/ego draw me back in the past - want me to think about past experience to keep me in the NOW of the MIND... Mind want me to feel bad about myself - i will not! - I have feelings in me that says i am feeling bad but i refuse to identify them with me - mind want me to believe i am on the brink to lose it - why? Because mind must be very scared of me really standing up for me as one and equal as me......

I breath every moment, sometime i allow myself to get lost in the maze of mind because that seems to much more intresting for just a moment till i realise that i just fled myself for a moment, but judgment will not do when i realise me no - application here with the breath here me - i stop the thoughts - but the thoughts, emotions, feelings, construct will always make me believe that i am my thought, always want to draw me in.... In all ways possible - the only i have is my awareness on breath, my awareness of my honesty or lack of self honesty, my awareness on my body that feel preassure - but i have noticed when this creeping feeling heavynes coming on the body that i see as the mind is just very very heavy on body it really assist to drink water and that is what i gonna do right in this moment ......

I can feel i want to get mad at all i see, mad on reaction i get on other people/animals for shit things they do - but i have two options, breath as me and not allowing my thoughts interFEAR with me or just indulge in my thoughts and just become shit load angry and that is not an option...
feels little like i am suppressing myself and i know i do, therefor the anger in me on small things outside of me - but it is a process - his anger at me i will use to be here with me in my suppressed body and stop the thoughts projections in to the future and past to then forgive away this emotions and feelings in me - but i will stop the thoughts cus it is the thoughts that limiting myself - limiting myself from doing this process and being me - so i cant simply accept this thoughts anymore - i have allot in my body i feel i dont know how to deal with for the moment, but i can breath, i can be aware about me as the body, and i can in every moment stop my thoughts- so that is what i am doing - from there i dont know - but this is what i walk throught right now- it feels like the mind want to just put in the breaks in the hole body - because when the body gets really STIFF! its the mind -so i am really stiff right now its the mind as me as what i have allowed in me that are fucking with me and the body - but i will not allow it- i will be here with the breath - the more the mind try to make me give up me the more terminated i will be to stand as me cus i have no other option - i need to take responsabillity for what i have allowed in me or else i will be fucke like now and even more - plus i dont really want to experience me like this-- and at the same time i am very angry at me that i dont stand up for me as me... so that is what i have always wanted to do but never done - because i allowed the thoughts- i allowed myself to use the thoughts when i felt to use them - and what happens they fuckec with me.... so i cant really trust the thoughts....

still feel all this preassure in me.... i guess foriveness needed to be done, but i will walk trought this shit

ric

torsdag 24 januari 2008

Me letting out pressure of dishonesty

I have thought about why i for the moment dont want to put myself on video, its not that i need to for me to complete my porcess but the thing is its trigger thought feelings and emotions in me when thinking about it... So i ask mysefl why?
Then i answerd myself by saying i am afraid of judgement from other people i am afraid what others might think about me and i am afraid to just take that step out in no mans land were i have to stand all alone by my self, me facing the world, I can imagine mysefl to like doing video blogs and talking about the most bizzar shit and see all the peoples reactions and laugh about it, but i can do it for the mometn i hope some other momets like this i am actually doing it.

So why do i not do it now? afraid? judgement? thoughts? feelings? emotions? fear of loss? again =) fear of losing myself as the mind.. for of riddicul me cus maybe i have more to lose then to gain?

Its so many things that adds up why not.. next question.. but why do i feel this why? Why do i have this things in me... I a looked and noticed that is actually me that are projecting and doing all this things in me to other people to... this things not only exist like feelings and thougths in me but alos as who i am accpeted mysefl to be and do to other in my world by participating in the mind... So by judding other i will judge mysefl i my own actions... and i have done this my hole life and what it has been doing is limmiting mysefl to my own judgement as the mind...
What this all mean is.. i need to breath with me in every moment to be wiht me who i am.. not acept and allow the mind to influence me - and i know in one moment i will if i chose alos be on youtube... but its not about me being on video its about what i see i do to others that projects to me and allso what have a accepted in me i will experience - And as long i participate in themind that is not who i am i will experience the consecvenses of that - and in this case emotions and feeeling thoughts about me puting myself up on youtube as who i am...

So its not an easy process, but its would not be fair to say its hard eather... cus it is to what you doing it too - but its hard to expalin - the best word is that it is a process to discover one self by being self honest and forgive one self for what i have allowed my self to acept, and that will be the mind...
So the answer is - BE here with the breaht every moment! - but it is as easy to say that statement as to slip in to the mind again - But this is my process to become sefl honest and i am walking it and doing it... here i am.. and i slip on the banana peel allot too - but i stand up again and continue to walk... its the only option really - so i my be stable in my breaht as me i EVERY MOMENT and the will be THIS MOMENT...
And if i am disshonest wihtmyself as i am many times and knowing it i will experience the consecevense and they may not look as somthing fun to experince... the consecevns comes from being disshonest and that is only what me doing to mysefl by participating in the mind...

And why to write? Cus i wirte cus i am disshonest wihtin mysefl.. and by writing i let mysefl out... Cus its building up and enormus preassure in you if you continue to be disshonest then you write then you forgive.. cus you have to - to one more time stand up and walk-- by that breahting in this moment as it is every moment the only moment you got... i am here wiht the breath - What do i chose - i have not really i chose cus that is mind-- by chosing i chose the mind.. so i am only me here - we have no chose cus we are here - i am here - but its seems i can chose to be mind or me - But by allowing myself to think i can chose who i want to be - be sure to know that is no me chosing its the mind.. cus its only the mind that can chose... and all in the mind is an illusion and by that chose is illusion.

trick

tisdag 22 januari 2008

Writing myself to freedom

So i guess its here i will spend my time writing myself to freedom, I have thought allot on what i want this blog to contain - Cus i have some days moment were i just feel to rant about stuff, and how angry i feel for certain mind stuff - But i have noticed that ranting away was a nice way to deal with the pressure building up when angry but it always come back so its a quick fix, and i just dont feel for ranting about stuff anymore i am FEED UP on myself and my mind and my accepted feelings and emotions and preconceived ideas building up and when they do i will breath through this moments by being aware as me as the breath in every moment and after write of the success i have made with applying myself effective, Anyway that is what i want it to be - but things tend to turn around on me if i expect to much - So maybe i will drop a A-Bomb in my blog just like that, cool...

Have also been very angry to why i have to make a blog, i really dont have to but allot of people at desteni.co.za that participating in the process from freeing your self from the mind have also started and i guess i felt pressure to make one to to push myself forward that i actually have to do something.

But here i am - I will not have any expectations on what i will write here and i will not say i will write here every day or maybe write here everyday - I will be here for my own good when i need to assist myself and share what i have notice in me - I think i will leave the A-Bombs for desteni forum... were they can assist me when i sinked in the mind again then i can come here to share about what happend and how i got out of the mind, or at least the mind construct.

But i also know that if i dont rant like i do at desteni i will not support as much people who may or may not have there own insights about them self by reading my blog - But if you are dedicated in the process visit Desteni.co.za and i will be there and talk my shit out also... so My blog is gonna be some what i combo of desteni and my blog... cus sometimes i like to post my forgiveness on the forum but feel i dont want to do it here... cus i am somewhat little shocking in my revelation on what i have hide inside my mind and what i have allowed myself to become as the mind system - But i its not me... still i am afraid of judgement specially from people that i call my friends - Thats odd? Shall not they be the ones i am least afraid of talking about this shit with? Cus it feels like i can care less what the world thinks about me... i give a shit in you, yes you! But the " friends " that can see me and know me and know were i live and can talk about secrets about me behind my back they are scary... that is some pretty fucked up shit... have not came up how i can in the best way diss engage myself from becoming friends and have friends cus that is some fucked up shit, you need to always compromise your self... But this is if you are a mind system you have accepted and become...

Anyway i guess i will be angry allot til i have really started to be effective in my process , mu anger comes from me knowing i am not effective and i have anger... that i can and so many do projecting out on other people insted to see that it is actually me that have accepted mysefl do become less then myself by accepting to allow feelings like anger to control my life cus i have allowed the anger to control my life - and cus of that i am angry cus i have not applied myself in every moment with my breath as the body i am...
so anger.... is always anger on me and will always be...

Okay thats my first blog Ever! that wasnt to bad - Light start

Trick - mind playing games with me, They are not real!