What have i allowed in me, what have i allowed in me as my world as the world i live in?
When i am here with my breath, here with the body and my mind is here also and when i am here to see when i am here to see in me what i really have allowed - I feel sorrow in me, i feel sad, i want to cry but cant, i feel preassure in my throat section, i feel that my arms and legs want to blow of from inside i want to scream - I want to be in me, i am in me, and i will not allowe more shit taking place in me with me unaware of it, but i want to hide, i want to sleep, i want to not be with myself, i want to do everything possible to not be with me, feels like the hole world want to take a chance to make me just forget me and give up on me, I cant give up on me, i cant give up on me, that is impossible... I am here with my breath and feel tormented in my body and i know i dont feel anything what my body actually experience, and i know the preassur in my body is very very much now - But i have two options here - give up me and it will be even more shit feeling in my body or just breath standing up as me not judging me for all the thoughts mind/ego constantly throw at me - Mind goes in waves - calm down - STORM - calm down -STORM - for me i breath i am here - Mind/ego want to pull me in - to think about future outcomes of anything that seems valid and very very logical - Mind/ego draw me back in the past - want me to think about past experience to keep me in the NOW of the MIND... Mind want me to feel bad about myself - i will not! - I have feelings in me that says i am feeling bad but i refuse to identify them with me - mind want me to believe i am on the brink to lose it - why? Because mind must be very scared of me really standing up for me as one and equal as me......

I breath every moment, sometime i allow myself to get lost in the maze of mind because that seems to much more intresting for just a moment till i realise that i just fled myself for a moment, but judgment will not do when i realise me no - application here with the breath here me - i stop the thoughts - but the thoughts, emotions, feelings, construct will always make me believe that i am my thought, always want to draw me in.... In all ways possible - the only i have is my awareness on breath, my awareness of my honesty or lack of self honesty, my awareness on my body that feel preassure - but i have noticed when this creeping feeling heavynes coming on the body that i see as the mind is just very very heavy on body it really assist to drink water and that is what i gonna do right in this moment ......

I can feel i want to get mad at all i see, mad on reaction i get on other people/animals for shit things they do - but i have two options, breath as me and not allowing my thoughts interFEAR with me or just indulge in my thoughts and just become shit load angry and that is not an option...
feels little like i am suppressing myself and i know i do, therefor the anger in me on small things outside of me - but it is a process - his anger at me i will use to be here with me in my suppressed body and stop the thoughts projections in to the future and past to then forgive away this emotions and feelings in me - but i will stop the thoughts cus it is the thoughts that limiting myself - limiting myself from doing this process and being me - so i cant simply accept this thoughts anymore - i have allot in my body i feel i dont know how to deal with for the moment, but i can breath, i can be aware about me as the body, and i can in every moment stop my thoughts- so that is what i am doing - from there i dont know - but this is what i walk throught right now- it feels like the mind want to just put in the breaks in the hole body - because when the body gets really STIFF! its the mind -so i am really stiff right now its the mind as me as what i have allowed in me that are fucking with me and the body - but i will not allow it- i will be here with the breath - the more the mind try to make me give up me the more terminated i will be to stand as me cus i have no other option - i need to take responsabillity for what i have allowed in me or else i will be fucke like now and even more - plus i dont really want to experience me like this-- and at the same time i am very angry at me that i dont stand up for me as me... so that is what i have always wanted to do but never done - because i allowed the thoughts- i allowed myself to use the thoughts when i felt to use them - and what happens they fuckec with me.... so i cant really trust the thoughts....

still feel all this preassure in me.... i guess foriveness needed to be done, but i will walk trought this shit

ric