Me letting out pressure of dishonesty

I have thought about why i for the moment dont want to put myself on video, its not that i need to for me to complete my porcess but the thing is its trigger thought feelings and emotions in me when thinking about it... So i ask mysefl why?
Then i answerd myself by saying i am afraid of judgement from other people i am afraid what others might think about me and i am afraid to just take that step out in no mans land were i have to stand all alone by my self, me facing the world, I can imagine mysefl to like doing video blogs and talking about the most bizzar shit and see all the peoples reactions and laugh about it, but i can do it for the mometn i hope some other momets like this i am actually doing it.

So why do i not do it now? afraid? judgement? thoughts? feelings? emotions? fear of loss? again =) fear of losing myself as the mind.. for of riddicul me cus maybe i have more to lose then to gain?

Its so many things that adds up why not.. next question.. but why do i feel this why? Why do i have this things in me... I a looked and noticed that is actually me that are projecting and doing all this things in me to other people to... this things not only exist like feelings and thougths in me but alos as who i am accpeted mysefl to be and do to other in my world by participating in the mind... So by judding other i will judge mysefl i my own actions... and i have done this my hole life and what it has been doing is limmiting mysefl to my own judgement as the mind...
What this all mean is.. i need to breath with me in every moment to be wiht me who i am.. not acept and allow the mind to influence me - and i know in one moment i will if i chose alos be on youtube... but its not about me being on video its about what i see i do to others that projects to me and allso what have a accepted in me i will experience - And as long i participate in themind that is not who i am i will experience the consecvenses of that - and in this case emotions and feeeling thoughts about me puting myself up on youtube as who i am...

So its not an easy process, but its would not be fair to say its hard eather... cus it is to what you doing it too - but its hard to expalin - the best word is that it is a process to discover one self by being self honest and forgive one self for what i have allowed my self to acept, and that will be the mind...
So the answer is - BE here with the breaht every moment! - but it is as easy to say that statement as to slip in to the mind again - But this is my process to become sefl honest and i am walking it and doing it... here i am.. and i slip on the banana peel allot too - but i stand up again and continue to walk... its the only option really - so i my be stable in my breaht as me i EVERY MOMENT and the will be THIS MOMENT...
And if i am disshonest wihtmyself as i am many times and knowing it i will experience the consecevense and they may not look as somthing fun to experince... the consecevns comes from being disshonest and that is only what me doing to mysefl by participating in the mind...

And why to write? Cus i wirte cus i am disshonest wihtin mysefl.. and by writing i let mysefl out... Cus its building up and enormus preassure in you if you continue to be disshonest then you write then you forgive.. cus you have to - to one more time stand up and walk-- by that breahting in this moment as it is every moment the only moment you got... i am here wiht the breath - What do i chose - i have not really i chose cus that is mind-- by chosing i chose the mind.. so i am only me here - we have no chose cus we are here - i am here - but its seems i can chose to be mind or me - But by allowing myself to think i can chose who i want to be - be sure to know that is no me chosing its the mind.. cus its only the mind that can chose... and all in the mind is an illusion and by that chose is illusion.

trick